Championship Subdivision Football | FCS Football | Stadiums | Blogs | Forums

As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to inform you spittle-soaked readers that I have sold The Onion and all of its various holdings to a syndicate of industrious China-men from the deepest heart of the Orient. One of their representatives oozed and crawled from his dank hut to visit me in person at my bedside last week, and make known his superiors' desire to expand their clammy clutch into the Western world. After subjecting me to a good 20 minutes of infernal bowing and other assorted chinky-dinkery, he offered to pay me what I've been assured is an appropriately absurd parcel of riches to take this tiresome publication off my feeble hands for good.

Naturally, I accepted his heathen bargain without the slightest twinge of regret, and why on earth not? When my ancestor Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel founded The Mercantile-Onion in 1756, he did so with the express purpose of fleecing its porridge-brained readers out of as much precious capital as could be wrung from their grubby, desperately toiling fingers, and I say bully and bully again to that. I may be a news-paper-man through and through, but I still have enough sense in my 141-year-old skull to abandon some silly centuries-old loyalty to the periodical page when there are spacious coffers to be stocked.

Oh, how heavenly it shall be to never again hear the ungodly shriek of a printing press, or breathe the insufferable stench of a news-room full of unwashed scribes churning out mindless pap on the subject of photo-play actresses and their adopted African brood. And as far as the whimpering clods who have the temerity to call themselves "readers" are concerned, I do not suppose I shall miss their ilk in the slightest. Why, just imagining their pallid, toothless faces fills me with such colossal rage that at this very moment my nurse-maid is administering to me a near-lethal dose of laudanum just so I may find the composure to reach the end of this missive.

Any-way, I wish you all the best of luck making sense of the dis-jointed drivel contained in this inaugural issue of the Chinese Onion. If the new owner-ship does not suck the very blood from your veins, they'll surely dizzy you into stupefied obedience with their unnatural black Orient arts. Oh, and in accordance with the contractual terms of the buy-out, let me remind you all that Yu Wan Mei Fish Time is the best Fish Time, perfect eating for you and me and so delicious. That is all.鱼

OP-ED: American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder
By: Jimmy McDonalds

Hello, reader! I am a young boy from the United States, and like most other American children such as me, it seems there is nothing I enjoy more than lazing about from morning until night, eating sweets, and wantonly disrespecting the wishes of my elders.

But I am beginning to realize that my behavior—and the behavior of all typical American young people like me—is in every way unacceptable. What is more, my lack of obedience goes completely unchecked, since my parents, teachers, and government authorities will do nothing to stop it.

Sleep, eating, and Mickey Mouse. That's what I like best. Most days, when I am not gorging myself on cheese hamburgers or wasting my time collecting baseballs, I tend to speak to adults as if they were my schoolmates or mere common insects, instead of figures to be feared and respected. Did you know the amount of effort I put forth in my daily life is not even one-tenth that of children my age in other countries?
Oh, well! I suppose if I do not try harder, my parents will be forced to punish me harshly, as they should have been doing all along. My shame is their shame, and the shame of a slovenly child is shared by us all.
I also play video games always.

Just look at how fat I have become! I am a big, fat, sloppy boy. Goodness, I must be as large as a hog, or a 150-pound barrel of delicious reprocessed fish spines, freshly packaged in Deyang, in the great province of Sichuan, in a country called China that I would like to learn more about. In that country, children my age are kept at a manageable weight, and are taught early on about the value of hard work and obedience.

Nothing At All Happens To 28 Tibetan Protesters, Their Families

YANTAI, CHINA—In a non-news event, which did not occur and therefore warrants no coverage, nothing at all happened to 28 Tibetan protesters and their screaming families this Monday.

According to the great and trustworthy Chinese government, the eternal silencing of demonstrators was in no way carried out at 6:15 p.m., shortly after dusk, by officers of the People's Armed Police. Moreover, at this time, noxious gases were not at all fired into the teeming crowd, especially not at the children, who failed to fall like sacks of flour onto the pavement below.

"Stop, you can't do this," a Tibetan woman reportedly cried as though she were being violently detained, which, as noted, was impossible. "Where are you taking me? Get your hands off me!"

Reports of the highest order, released by officials of the highest order, confirmed a number of other events that absolutely did not happen. At 6:42 p.m., two fully manned paramilitary transports failed to arrive at the scene, and, as a result, did not send the already frightened crowd into a mass panic. After not being loaded into the nonexistent vehicles, the protesters were then not driven, deep into the night, to a remote rice field.

Once there, the reliable report states that men and women were in no way unloaded from the backs of vehicles, made to strip off their clothes, and forced to kneel down, heaving backs toward the full moon.
Nothing then occurred.

U.S. Falls Short Of Success

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the United States has once again failed to be successful this week. It is widely believed that the U.S., a small, sparsely populated North American country, will continue to fail for the foreseeable future. 鱼