Form 1980: U.S. Income Tax Return for CONSERVATIVES
PERSONAL INFORMATION
1. Name of Man of the House _________, III
2. Name of wife or other dependents __________________
3. Addresses of all homes and real estate holdings, including vacation homes, rental properties, chateaux and archipelagos _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________.
4. E-mail address ___________@aol.com
5. Golf handicap ____
5a. Get a load of this guy! Come on, your ACTUAL golf handicap ____
6. Presidential Re-Impeachment Fund. Please check here if you'd like $3 to go toward re-impeaching President Clinton ___
FILING STATUS
7. Number of times you have taken the sacred, eternal vow of marriage between one man and one woman __
8. Amount of monthly alimony payments __,___ 9. Are you running for public office? Y/N
10. If you answered "no" to the above, how many undocumented immigrants do you have gardening for you? ______
INCOME
11. Total amount of hard-earned wages, executive compensation and inheritance subject to plunder by the federal government __,000,000.00
12. If you made more than $14 billion in profits in 2010, we have some good news! Please skip to form 1120-GE (see below).
ADJUSTED GROSS INCOME
Please deduct the following non-taxable expenses/hardships:
13. Total expenditures on SUVs, American flags, flag lapel-pins and outdoor Nativity sets ______
14. Cost of spray-tans, breast implants and NASCAR-themed cell phone belt clips ______
15. Total costs incurred diverting wife's, congregation's or constituents' attention away from weekend "wine tasting" trip with your "fitness trainer," Alberto ______
THIRD PARTY DESIGNEE
16. Please check here if your accountant is in federal prison __
ADDITIONAL FORMS
Please answer the following questions to determine if you need to file additional forms:
17. Do you believe Noah's ark was real, and that dinosaur fossils were planted on Earth by the devil? __
18. If you answered "you betcha," please attach form 1773, below. ---------------
U.S. Tax Form 1773 for TEA PARTY PATRIOTS
NAME
1. Name as listed on your OFFICIAL birth certificate ____________________
FILING STATUS
2. Number of wives or home-schooled dependents __
3. Race ______ (if non-white, may we use your photo in our promotional materials?)
4. Number of "stand-offs" with federal agents during 2010 ___
5. Palin Reagan Rushmore Fund. Please check here if you'd like $3 to go toward funding a reality show in which the Palin family carves Ronald Reagan's head onto Mount Rushmore __
INCOME
6. Total value of guns and gold in your home/bunker ______
DREAM DINNER
7. Which New Testament character would you most like to dine with at the Cheesecake Factory? ______
TAXES/REFUND
8. Taxes are unconstitutional __ Yes
9. I want my country back! __ Now
10. Total tax due (paid "in protest") ______ --------------
Form 1969: U.S. Income Tax Return for LIBERALS
NAME
1. Legal name _________
2. Yoga name _________
FILING STATUS
3. Single __
4. Married __
5. Gay-Married __
6. Define yourself on the gender spectrum (with 1 being Boy George and 10 being Lady Gaga) __
7. Guantanamo Compost-Bin Fund. Please check here if you'd like $3 to go toward installing compost bins in the U.S. detention camp at Guantanamo Bay __
CANADIAN RESIDENCY
8. Please provide the address(es) where you lived in Canada from 1969 to 1973 _____, _____, _____, _____.
INCOME
9. Wages earned from government agencies, non-profits, or from teaching Pilates to homeless folks _______
9a. "Blood money" earned from for-profit exploits ________
10. Check here to donate the total amount in line 9a, above, to Clowns Without Borders __
EXEMPTIONS
11. Number of dependents, including roommates, squatters or people with whom you feel a "deep connection" ______
12. Number of human beings, denied the privilege of U.S. citizenship simply by accident of their birth, whom you allow to clean your toilets ______
ADJUSTED GROSS INCOME
Please deduct the following non-taxable expenses/hardships:
13. Total value of all Toyota Priuses in household ______
14. Amount spent on fair-trade coffee/quinoa/Hacky Sacks ______
15. Credit for water saved by not showering ______
16. Value of total miles biked in 2010, expressed in terms of degrees Fahrenheit reduction in global warming ______
17. Value of the irony inherent in the fact that we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong ______
PAYMENTS/REFUND
18. Congratulations! You are entitled to a tax refund, and the government will still have enough money to expand. Shhh. It will all work out; just sign here ____________
ADDITIONAL FORMS
To determine if you need to file additional forms, please check any of the following statements that you believe to be true:
19. The white streaks left in the sky by airplanes are "chemtrails" that contain biological/mind-control substances sprayed by the government __
20. The moon landing was faked __
If you checked any of the boxes above, please attach Schedule 420-EZ for "Medical" Marijuana Users (see below).
Schedule 420 EZ: "Medical" Marijuana Tax Form
1. Did you sell/smoke "hella" buds in 2010? __ Sure did.
1a. About how many joints/ounces/pounds? __ (a "guesstimate" will do)
2. What were the primary diagnoses being treated?
2a. Unclassifiable disease or general "vibe" __
2b. Marijuana Deficiency __
3. Is it cool if you pay some taxes?
3a. Dude! LAME to ask me that right now __
3b. Ummmm? __
3c. Right on! __
4. If you answered "right on," would you prefer to pay your taxes in cash, or barter with Phish tickets and/or bananas? (circle one) --------------
U.S. Tax Form 1120-GE for Corporations
1. Total Profit __000,000,000.00
2. Please select your "thank you" gift:
a. Bald eagle "Self Reliance" motivational poster.
b. A refund (enter desired amount, in billions; we're trusting you to be fair about this!). ____
We appreciate your service to our country!
Sign here ____________
