Best Sports Jokes

[hank scorpio]

Came across this gem from 2007 earlier, it makes me laugh every time!

NASCAR Unveils New 'Car Of Yesterday'

CHARLOTTE, NC—Only days after its long-anticipated, much-criticized Car of Tomorrow debuted to overwhelmingly negative reviews at the Bristol Motor Speedway, NASCAR responded to the wishes of competitors and fans alike by introducing the stylishly retro, technologically retrograde NEXTEL Cup Car of Yesterday.



"This is exactly what everyone from race teams to race fans wanted all along—a real American racecar," said Robby Gordon, standing in front of the Jim Beam '77 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme he will drive for the rest of the season. "To hell with things like spoilers, adjustable suspensions, disc brakes, shoulder belts, all that junk. People want to see us racing the cars they drive every day, and anyone who's seen the parking lot at a NASCAR race will tell you that's what the Car of Yesterday gives them."
Based on tried-and-true NASCAR designs from what many consider the golden age of stock-car racing, the Car Of Yesterday is based on the racing team's choice of four-door body styles: either the '77 Cutlass Supreme, the '79 Chevrolet Caprice Classic, the '78 Dodge Diplomat, the '77 Ford Granada, the '77 Mercury Gran Marquis, or for series newcomers Toyota, the 1989 Corolla. All cars, regardless of body style, must have fully reclining seats, column shifters, vinyl tops, ashtrays, and automatically retracting seatbelts. Adding spoilers and air dams for purposes other than providing advertising space is forbidden, although teams will be allowed to bolt wooden 2-by-8 planks to their front and rear bumpers for the contact-heavy short-track races. Mechanically, all cars will be basically identical, featuring 360-cubic-inch V-8 engines with the air filters reversed, "glass-pack" mufflers, and factory power steering.
"Our primary concern with the Car of Yesterday was safety," said NASCAR competition director Robin Pemberton. "The fans hate that shit. We had to keep that in mind when we went back to the drawing board, so we took away anything that increased grip, improved handling, or prevented a stock car from experiencing a sudden and total loss of control. NASCAR isn't about the cars, it's about the drivers. And the Car of Yesterday keeps the driver involved with the vehicle, whether he's just driving it or, ideally, crashing it."
The Car of Yesterday underwent intensive single-car and multi-car tests earlier this week at Daytona, Texas Motor Speedway, and Martinsville, with testing director Brett Bodine and his crew wrecking 34 cars in routine driving. An enthusiastic Bodine reported the new design passed with flying colors.
"I could barely keep the thing out of the wall. It swapped ends, got way loose, and nearly spun out with little to no warning. Sometimes it dove down towards the infield for no reason I ever did figure out, and once coming off the banking at Daytona it rebounded off the suspension stops hard enough to bounce the whole front end in the air," said Bodine, who was pronounced healthy and released from Daytona Beach Memorial Hospital early Wednesday afternoon. "It may be the best all-around NASCAR stocker I've ever driven. I wish they had these cars when I was still racing, but unfortunately, they'd advanced past that point by then."
Drivers were unanimously positive when informed of the Car of Yesterday and praised NASCAR's courage in pursuing a deign philosophy that satisfied fans and racers alike.
"Like I said before, that Car of Tomorrow was crap," said Kyle Busch, who won the March 25 race in which the controversial design debuted. "It kind of stuck to the track in a boring way, and just sort of went where you pointed it. But this car reminds me of the ones I grew up watching—not just on the track, but on the two-lane highway outside of town. Hell, for all I know, this one was there."
NASCAR president Mike Helton is currently working closely with all competing teams, current Nextel Cup drivers, and a network of salvage yards and used-car dealers to make sure every team has enough cars and spares for the Car of Yesterday's debut race, currently scheduled for April 29 at Talladega Superspeedway, the largest tri-oval on the Nextel Cup circuit and one of NASCAR's fastest and most challenging tracks.
"We want to make sure fans have a strong first impression of the Car of Yesterday," said Helton. "And believe me, seeing a few dozen of these all-American road-hugging beauties roaring flat-out into Talladega's Turn One is something they'll be talking about for years."

[grizzaholic]

I think I just ruined my keyboard. Just spilled a cup of coffee all over it.

[hank scorpio]

Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox


BRISTOL, CT—In a move that came as little surprise to members of the sports media, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott announced Wednesday that his left eye had signed a lucrative eight-year, $70 million deal with Fox Sports and would report to work within the next month. "Though we did our best to hide it, usually by using thicker than normal glasses, I think people could easily tell that my left eye and I had been going in different personal and professional directions for some time," Scott said during a press conference at which the eye was present, but elected to remain silent throughout, staring off to one side as Scott spoke. "I wish it all the best in its future endeavors." Fox Sports President Ed Goren said he has big plans for the eye, adding that its off-putting and distracting SportsCenter host has been holding it back for far too long.

[clenz]

Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox


BRISTOL, CT—In a move that came as little surprise to members of the sports media, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott announced Wednesday that his left eye had signed a lucrative eight-year, $70 million deal with Fox Sports and would report to work within the next month. "Though we did our best to hide it, usually by using thicker than normal glasses, I think people could easily tell that my left eye and I had been going in different personal and professional directions for some time," Scott said during a press conference at which the eye was present, but elected to remain silent throughout, staring off to one side as Scott spoke. "I wish it all the best in its future endeavors." Fox Sports President Ed Goren said he has big plans for the eye, adding that its off-putting and distracting SportsCenter host has been holding it back for far too long.

As horrible as that was I had to laugh. He got that fixed though didn't he? I don't watch SC anymore, I have it on but just to listen too

[hank scorpio]

You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area

As you can see from the calendar, the game is coming up this weekend. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team from your area.

On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your area's sports team will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that your sports team could beat my sports team? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.
When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the team from your area were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle.

Underscoring your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The colors for my team, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior color combination in every way.

While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know of what I speak, for I once attended a game between our respective teams in your facility. Let's just say the experience left me wishing that my car was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it impossible for me to get to your area to attend the game.

If you need another reason why the sporting franchise representing my area is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are the supporters of the team from my region more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the team from my area possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from my side that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.

One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.

To illustrate this point, let me tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such individual and asked him if he originated from my area. He said no, explaining that he simply liked the team from my area and had for many years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of your team.
Do you still doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.

[hank scorpio]

Lesser-Known SteroidsPrimabolan and Dianabol get all the attention, but they are hardly the only steroids available. Here are some of the more obscure:

Bananabolic Blast: The first fruit-flavored steroid not only helps build up cellular tissue, but also delivers the FDA's recommended daily intake of potassium

Estrogen: Popularized by A-Rod, who religiously injected this steroid in an effort to speed up his swing by strengthening his cervix, adding mass to his labia, and slimming down his rectouterine pouch

Barry Bonds' Bone Marrow: Although it is difficult to obtain due to the thick layers of muscle and dense connective tissue that surround it, this supplement is exceptionally potent

Crystal Methandrostenolone: An anabolic steroid cooked up from brake fluid and Sudafed in trailer parks by toothless bikers

19-Nortestosterone: Athletes keep taking this junk, even though they know full well that the oxygen is double-bonded to the 19th carbon group

Ergosterol: This fungal steroid allows athletes to absorb nutrients, grow hyphae, and spore more effectively
Document Clamp on the Nuts: Not so much a steroid as a method of increasing aggression and adrenaline output by fastening a large document clamp right on your nuts

[hank scorpio]

Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame

SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and president of Notre Dame football's Booster Club, announced yesterday that head coach Charlie Weis will appear before Him to discuss his future, if any, as coach of the Fighting Irish. "I, like many Notre Dame fans, am disappointed in Weis, and his day of judgment has surely come," Christ, His eyes flashing with righteous flame, said at the Sunday morning press conference. "Escorted by the angelic host and by [Notre Dame athletic director] Jack Swarbrick, I shall sit upon My heavenly throne Monday and, in all My glory, meet with Coach Weis. I am a fair and loving God, and I have always said that the souls of the righteous shall rise to national championships; but also shall the evildoers, like Bob Davie and Gerry Faust, be condemned for all eternity." When asked about the untimely smiting of former coach Tyrone Willingham, Christ said He had no comment, asked for the questioner's name, and left.

[hank scorpio]

Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics' Big 3 In Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue
BOSTON—Saying that "We cannot all be masters, nor all masters / Cannot be truly follow'd," disruptive point guard Stephon Marbury has been scheming to turn Boston's "Big Three" against one another since he signed with the Celtics last month, apparently trying to claim the team for his own.


Sources within the NBA said that within hours of reporting to his first practice, Marbury had met separately with forward Kevin Garnett, guard Ray Allen, and shooting guard Paul Pierce, and was seen whispering to each in turn while pointing at the other two. When asked what he had said to his teammates, Marbury answered, "I am nothing, if not critical," and refused further comment.

When the Celtics lost Sunday's home game to Detroit 105-95, Marbury, who was scoreless in his 12 minutes of play, could be seen smiling coldly from the bench as Pierce and Allen displayed greatly reduced chemistry, failing to pass the ball to open men or execute picks as effectively as they had in the past.

"I shall of these three fools now make my purse," Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no one and perhaps spoke only to himself. "These stars are of a free and open nature, / And think men honest that but seem to be so, / And will as tenderly be led by the nose / As asses are."

When questioned about the meaning of his aside, Marbury said only, "I am not what I am."
Although Garnett, Allen, and Pierce originally welcomed Marbury to the team, stating that they believed he would be valuable coming off the bench and were looking forward to playing with him, they have since stated publicly that Marbury's secretive nature, conspiring attitude, and constant requests to speak with them alone are already beginning to wear on them.

"After the Detroit loss he pulled me aside and said that I should be as famous as Paul and Kevin," said Allen, who admitted that he found both Marbury's attitude and his language difficult to understand. "Except he said it like, 'Reputation is an idle and most false / imposition: oft got without merit, and lost without / deserving,' and I was like, 'Come on, man, I don't want to hear that.' My numbers are up since I played with them, is all I know, and they don't try and confuse me all the time."

"Stephon told me that the other two guys hated me because I was the most talented," said Pierce, who said speaking with Marbury was beginning to make him feel uncomfortable. "He said I should beware jealousy because it was 'the green-ey'd monster which doth mock / The meat it feeds on.' But I was like, 'Stephon, first of all, Kevin is a way better player than I am.' He just walked away muttering. I don't know what's up with that dude."

Garnett expressed a similar bewilderment with Marbury's behavior.

"Weird thing is, he kept calling the other guys moors, which is just really messed up," the 12-time all-star said. "I mean, what is that, anyway? He didn't say it like it was a good thing. If he plays good basketball he can do what he wants, but I'm not going to listen to anyone call me or my guys moors."

All three men also commented that Marbury had at some point pulled each one of them aside and told them the other two had been "making the beast with two backs."

"I was freaked out, but then I realized he expected me to be jealous, and that freaked me out even more," Garnett said. "Especially when I heard him tell people that's how I injured my right knee. I know Stephon was trouble even way back when we both played for the Timberwolves—he's been trouble everywhere he goes—but this is a whole new level."

Conferring with one another, the Big Three all agreed that Marbury had implied, if not expressly stated, that perhaps Celtics coach Doc Rivers should be stabbed to death, an implication they found unnerving.
When asked for comment, Marbury expressed surprise that his teammates would react to his presence in this way.

"Is it my contract?" asked Marbury, who will receive a prorated veteran's minimum of $1.3 million from the Celtics this season. "Because the money means nothing to me without the respect of my teammates. Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, / Is the immediate jewel of their souls: / Who steals my purse steals trash... / But he that filches from me my good name / Robs me of that which not enriches him / And makes me poor indeed."

When asked for clarification, Marbury responded, "Demand me nothing: what you know, you know: / From this time forth I never will speak [a] word," and requested that all further questions be directed to his agent, one Roderigo of Venice, who as of press time could not be reached.

[Gil Dobie]

Best Bumper Sticker - "Jesus Saves................Gretzky get the rebound, shoots, scores"

Best quote - "Ship Be Sinking" Michael Ray Richardson when asked about the NJ Nets after having been traded to NJ.

[hank scorpio]

World Baseball Classic Team-By-Team Breakdown
Australia: The team seems pretty well-rounded since mysterious documents turned up proving that David Wright, Frank Thomas, and Hanley Ramirez are all native Aussies

China: Too busy attempting to put their uniforms on Chinese Taipei players to be an actual threat

Cuba: While this Caribbean nation is flush with talented baseball players, most of them have disappeared through a hole in the right field wall

Dominican Republic: With 90 percent of Major League Baseball on its roster, the only thing holding this team back is fitting everyone into the dugout

Netherlands: A team to look out for, because in Amsterdam's famous Red Light Stadium, anything goes

Panama: This fairly talented team would be more prepared for the competition if Panama were large enough to contain both an infield and an outfield

United States: There is a lot of pressure on this talented roster to perform well, and if they don't, no one will care

[hank scorpio]

Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Sh!t Of The Puzzle
BUFFALO, NY—In a move that will immediately impact a roster that is already full of sh!t, the Bills added what many believe will be the missing piece of sh!t to the team's puzzle Saturday by signing world-class sh!tass Terrell Owens. "With T.O., the Bills get a complete and total sh!t with the potential to generate more disappointment than anyone in Buffalo could have hoped for," said NFL.com senior analyst Pat Kirwan. "Throw him in with their pile-of-sh!t offensive line, future Hall of Fame sh!thead at running back, sh!tty quarterback, and sh!t-for-brains coach, and this team has everything in place needed to achieve its sh!tful potential." According to Bill's front-office dipsh!ts, the team has the tenacity to fight for the full 60 minutes in the huddle, in the locker room, and in local strip club parking lots.

[Gil Dobie]

Here's one that a sports announcer making fun of St Paul said over the radio many years ago. Cause a big reaction from the mayor of St Paul.

They should rename the Minnesota Twins the Minnehaha Twins
Minne for Minneapolis
Haha for St Paul

[hank scorpio]

Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife Lorraine Reports
BRISTOL, CT—Emerging from her husband's dressing room slightly out of breath and sporting nothing more than a silk robe and tousled hair, Lorraine Vitale, wife of iconic ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale, told reporters Sunday that her spouse is at his sexual peak during March Madness.

"He's an animal," said Mrs. Vitale, adding that prior to her husband's appearance on ESPN's Selection Sunday special, the couple engaged in sexual intercourse three times in different locations, including once in a Bank of America ATM kiosk. "We fool around at other times during the year, of course, but once the conference tournaments start and the brackets are finalized, well, that's when the role-playing starts, the dirty talk gets louder, and 'the prime-time player' comes out of its velvet-lined case and gets fresh batteries."

"He's especially aggressive this year because Duke has a legitimate chance at making the Final Four," she added.

Lorraine, who has been married to Vitale for more than 35 years, said her husband uses certain erotic techniques only during March Madness, including the dipsy-doo dunkaroo; the super scintillating sensational slam-jam bam bam; the backdoor, baby; and the trifecta, which Lorraine would not describe in detail, but said involves the use of Mr. Vitale's index, thumb, and forefinger.

According to Mrs. Vitale, their lovemaking becomes longer and more intense as the NCAA tournament progresses—sometimes lasting well into the morning hours if her spouse has had a particularly heated exchange with fellow college basketball analyst Jay Bilas. She said that once the Sweet 16 is set, Mr. Vitale enjoys achieving orgasm by playing erotic games such as the "Cameron Crazy" and the "Diaper Dandy."
"That's what the baby bottle and diaper are for," she said.

But what her husband enjoys playing most, Mrs. Vitale noted, is "Duke vs. UNC," a game in which he dresses up as a Blue Devil, she wears a University of North Carolina cheerleader outfit, and, at the sound of an air horn, the two "go at it hard like two in-state rivals."

Mrs. Vitale would not confirm rumors that ESPN analyst Digger Phelps sometimes participates while dressed as Wake Forest's "Demon Deacon" mascot.

"When the Final Four comes around, Dick is so sexually charged that he's pretty much into everything," said the mother of two, who admitted that it was disturbing at first to watch her husband stand stark naked in their kitchen, a ball gag muffling his screams of "It's awesome, baby," but that the practice had grown on her. "And I'll admit that it's a little weird when he shouts out 'Krzyzewski' at the moment of climax, but believe me, it's worth it. I have so many orgasms that it doesn't matter."

"Quite frankly the month of March has given our marriage the kind of excitement other couples only dream of," she continued. "Every woman deserves to experience, just once, the type of arousal I feel when my husband and I join together in the slap-a-lapp-anapper."

The Vitales' odd and oftentimes graphic lascivious behavior began in March 1983, when the two spontaneously made love on Testudo, an oversized bronze statue of a diamondback terrapin turtle that sits outside the University of Maryland library. It was at that point that Lorraine Vitale said she knew something carnal had taken over her husband.

"It was after a pretty close game with a tournament spot on the line. We were walking through campus, and Dick whispered to me, 'The students rub [the turtle] for luck, so let's get really lucky tonight,'" she said. "I'll never forget it. The torn-off underwear, the cool bronze against my knees, and Dick's hot body on my back thrusting, thrusting, thrusting…. Excuse me, I need a drink of water."

"Hey, Lorraine, come on," Dick Vitale could be heard saying from inside his dressing room. "I want to try this cream that Bob [Knight] and Karen [Knight] use."

Before reentering the dressing room, Mrs. Vitale confirmed what everyone had already assumed to be true: that immediately after the NCAA championship game Dick Vitale ejaculates one last time, rolls over, and sleeps through the entire month of April.

[Appaholic]

3 words......Western Carolina Football

[UNHWildCats]

Alex Rodriguez

[UNHWildCats]

During a Celtics game, the two announces had this...


Mike Gorman, after an Eddie House 3-ball: "Who is the Celtics all-time leader in 3-point percentage?"

Tommy Heinsohn: "Not Antoine."

[hank scorpio]

World Of Outlaws Race Broken Up By Police

[hank scorpio]

Cheering Fans, Thrilling NCAA Tournament Disgust BCS Officials

DETROIT—Claiming that determining an unquestioned national champion through a playoff system "went against the very idea of sporting competition," and that the sheer exuberance of college basketball fans was "a shocking and nauseating display of everything wrong with collegiate athletics," top BCS officials roundly condemned the NCAA Tournament Monday.

"I frankly cannot even believe what I'm seeing, and I can't stomach the sight for long," said a pale, trembling Jack Swarbrick, the Notre Dame athletic director who, along with the commissioners of the major conferences, manages the complicated system of polls and computer rankings that make up the Bowl Championship Series in college football. "The elegant logic of actually having teams play one another instead of having a council of their betters select which team is superior to which—that is not what sports is all about."

"And the fans...urgghh...simply enjoy their teams' triumphs or mourn their defeats. Where are the heated arguments? Where are the unsettled disputes that will fester forever?" said Swarbrick, a sheen of feverish sweat curdling on his face. "Oh, God, I think I got vomit on my tie."

"It's the joy, the sheer joy on the fans' pathetic joyful faces and in their insipid happy voices that fills me with such loathing—loathing for the certainty they will feel when all is said and done and they know exactly who is the best, and hatred for the pure joy they will feel because of it," Pac-10 conference commissioner Larry Scott said as he panted, slumped down in a wheelchair. "Mark my words, their certainty regarding exactly how good a team is or isn't will never be allowed to corrupt the BCS—and neither will their joy."

As of press time, Scott had been hospitalized due to nausea and bile scarring in his throat.

Other notable BCS executives have either expressed disgust or been involved in disgust-related incidents in the weeks since the tournament began. The White House has asked several conference commissioners to stop calling after 10 p.m. or while drunk. And retching, unstable statistician Kenneth Massey, a sports-ratings expert whose calculations play a part in the BCS rankings, was arrested by police in Detroit last week when he attempted to chain himself to the gates of Ford Field, all the while screaming that both stochastic and determinist calculations prove that Xavier could not have beaten Wisconsin in the second round.

"It's wrong. It's just wrong," Swarbrick said. "I haven't been able to keep food or fluids down since this...this March Madness began. Everywhere I go, I hear the cheering, the talk, and I see that goddamned bracket everywhere. Why? Why are all these people so happy after watching a championship tournament? How can they be happy without a network of polls and computers run by an arbitrary board of university executives to tell them who the champion really is?"

"Imagine if we'd let this happen—if we had let, say, Boise State play for the championship after all the filthy happiness and cheering they inspired," a vomit-drenched, glassy-eyed Scott said from his hospital bed. "College football as we know it barely survived them upsetting Oklahoma. If we had let teams compete in a—a—a playoff, as they call it, the resulting combination of joy and true competition would have gone against everything the BCS stands for."

[dbackjon]

[tampajag]

[hank scorpio]

^

[hank scorpio]

Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To



CHICAGO—Anticipating that new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will need more targets than converted cornerback Devin Hester and undersized journeyman Rashied Davis—the only receivers on their squad who have ever caught an NFL pass—the Chicago Bears signed a tire swing to their roster Tuesday. "We are expecting great things from this tire swing once the tire and Cutler get some practice time and develop some chemistry," receivers coach Darryl Drake said of the six-year-old Goodyear all-season radial suspended from a tree branch by a 7-foot length of rope. "This could easily be the best quarterback-receiver duo in recent Bears history." Analysts say that, while the move is somewhat unorthodox, Chicago was prudent in passing on veteran free agents Amani Toomer and Joe Jurevicius in favor of offering the tire swing a 3-year, $2.4 million contract.

[hank scorpio]

Harry Kalas Tribute Video Somehow Narrated By Harry Kalas



PHILADELPHIA—In what fans are calling a touching and entirely fitting tribute to the Philadelphia icon, the Phillies released a farewell video of Harry Kalas Monday narrated by Kalas himself. "In Philadelphia, they'll tell you that if Harry Kalas said it, it must be true," Kalas' distinctive voice can be heard saying over a montage of great Kalas moments, including his first day as a Phillies broadcaster and both Phillies World Series victories. "His honeyed old-leather-and-bourbon baritone was spring and summer to generations of baseball fans. We'll miss his voice, but not as much as we'll miss the man. So, one last time, we say: Long drive...watch that baby...outta here. Home run, Harry Kalas." The Phillies declined comment on the video itself, saying only that choosing Kalas to narrate the labor of love was a "no-brainer" and that no other voice would do Kalas' legend justice.

[hank scorpio]

First Homo Leagues Player Shatters MLB Sexuality Barrier

OAKLAND, CA—Homo leagues all-star Tyler Patton shattered baseball's long-standing sexual orientation barrier Monday by signing a four-year, $10.5 million contract with the Oakland A's.



Patton, 23, whose speed, nifty fielding, and dependable hitting made him a homo-league sensation in only three seasons with the Kansas City Gay Royals, is Major League Baseball's first openly gay player.

"I had heard Oakland was interested, but you hear rumors all the time," Patton said in a press conference after his signing. "I was just concentrating on playing baseball, and then last week I got the call. Honestly, I know people think my being gay is a big deal, but I still just want to help the A's past the Angels."

Oakland general manager Billy Beane said Patton's commitment to the sport above and beyond his personal issues is the reason he chose to pursue the second baseman.

"Coming here from the homo leagues, Patton's in for a lot of heat from the fans," Beane said. "And not just the fans. Every time they talk about his open stance, every time he throws a guy out from his knees, every time he goes deep in the hole, there's going to be an uncomfortable silence at the very least. But I believe Patton has the focus to put that aside and just play."

Reactions from MLB have been mixed, with most teams declining any official comment, and commissioner Bud Selig saying in a radio interview Tuesday morning that the historic signing was "fine, if that's what the A's want to do, I guess." However, many insiders say the move to involve gay players has been a long time in coming.

"Though it draws only 10 or 15 percent as many fans as the majors, the Homo Leagues have a history of community, fantastic play, and above all, pride," sportswriter Peter Gammons said when the signing was announced. "The league's faithful have stood by their men from its inception in the '30s, through the so-called 'frisky ball' era of the '50s, past the league-wide amyl nitrate abuse scandal of the '70s, and on to the Log Cabin schism of the '90s. But what so often gets lost in all this is that Homo League players can flat-out play baseball. Now, after decades during which gay fans had nothing in the major leagues to call their own, save for perhaps some of the mustaches, Patton finally gives them someone to root for."

Still, Patton's critics, while stopping well short of bigotry, point to HLB's reputation for fast-paced, high-strung, often flashy baseball, and speculate on whether Patton will hold up. Many say his gaudy .342 batting average, .4353 on-base percentage, and three Gold Lamé Glove awards during three seasons in the homo leagues are meaningless in terms of his future success.

"Sure, Tyler did well against homo-league pitching," Skip Bayless said Tuesday on ESPN's 1st and 10. "But he's not playing against the Boston Pink Sox or the New York Gay Yankees anymore. In fact, the Gay Yankees didn't even pursue him last season when they needed a second baseman. I wish him all the luck in the world, but I think he's a gay bust."

Many baseball insiders, while acknowledging the social value of Patton's signing, struggled to discuss the implications of a homo-league star playing in the majors.

"Er, I, uh, well, I wish Patton good luck, and you know, we'll, um, I guess we'll wait and, uh, wait and see," said Baseball Tonight commentator Jon Kruk, who seemed unable to look directly at his cohosts or into the camera while discussing Patton's signing. "Good luck, Patton. I mean, uh, yeah."

Patton himself, who is scheduled to start next week, says he cannot wait to put the hype behind him.
"Yes, it'll be difficult, not because I'm gay, but because it's Major League Baseball," Patton said. "Plus, let's face it—do you seriously think I'm the first gay major-leaguer ever? Seriously? And before anyone says anything, you are all just so wrong about Mike Piazza."

[hank scorpio]

Celtics: 'That Was A Reasonable Amount Of Time To Be In The Playoffs'


BOSTON—Boston head coach Doc Rivers expressed disappointment Monday in being eliminated in the second round of the NBA playoffs, but deemed the Celtics' four weeks of postseason play to be "plenty." "You never want to go home early, but we aren't exactly doing that," said Rivers, who noted that the Steelers and Phillies spent four weeks winning their respective championships. "Last year it took us 59 days to win the NBA title, which actually seemed too long. A couple of times against the Pistons I forgot what we were even doing. Playing a month's worth of playoffs seems a lot more reasonable." In other news, the Magic have expressed confidence in their ability to beat the Cavaliers over the course of the next two months.